Just when I think I have it all figured out

I think I am going to lose my job. I think in spite of all the reassurances I get from my co-workers that I am indeed going to be unemployed in the near future. I am not happy. I've never done the unemployment thing, don't really want to either.

I am just so mad because I finally get things set. I am finally in a job that pays me what I think I am worth, and I finally get back to school to get the masters I have been seeking for the past 5 years, and now this. They say everything happens for a reason, and I believe that to be true, but in the mean time this is not good.

I think in the long run I can deal with having to find another job. What is more hard for me to think about though is quitting school. Considering I just started and the fact that I really like this program, quitting just seems really unfair. Yes, I know I could continue and incur the ~$25,000 debt, but that just doesn't seem very smart.

The thing that I think I will have the hardest part dealing with is not taking it personally. I am a good worker, I have skills and I know how to use them. Its not my fault the government doesn't want to fund my job. But its hard not to feel a bit like a failure when your waiting for your unemployment check.

What do my thoughts compel or provoke me to do?

So I have been sitting here for the last hour thumbing through various blogs on this site because I am doing public tours today and the time I have between groups is not enough time to actually be productive with work, so I sit read blogs.

I am amazed at how many blogs are essentially glorified myspace pages. I guess there is no manual that says a blog should be like an online diary, but for the life of me, I can't find any blogs where people have written much...about anything. Lots of blogs about families, A TON of blogs in lanuages I can't read, and a lot of business blogs (which I am enjoying the ones for photographers).

So after all that, i am inclined to want to post a photo or two here. I feel like its needed. But again, isn't that why I have a myspace page?

Anyway, no word on the work front yet. I don't expect to hear anything for another couple of weeks, which is hugely annoying, but what is one to do. Sherman has not heard anything on his work either. And I am still on a short break from school, only another week, so I am trying to enjoy it while it lasts.

So, what fills my mind lately is that fact that another summer is winding down, and I look back and ask myself what I have to show for it. And all I can say is, NOT MUCH! I feel like I am wasting these precious days. I wish I was traveling more, doing more fun things with Sherman, spending more time in my kayak or bike, but instead I feel like I spend all my time inside working or at the gym teaching. I told myself I really was going to do something different this summer, not teach at the gym, and spend more time outside enjoying my toys. I keep saying I am going to take the kayak someplace fun, and yet never seem to venture off the Columbia.

This is just one of the many frustrations I have going on right now, but the only one i feel safe to share here. The other ones I am trying to deal with on an internal basis as so not spread my pissy-ness about the world.

But yet I have to look around me, at all the good things going on in my life, and remind myself that its just not that bad.

I hate running

I don't know why I think I can be a runner. It took everything I had to flog myself out of bed this morning (at 5:00 am) to get a run in before we leave for Bellingham today. Real runners should love getting up at this time of the morning to watch the sunrise while they do something they enjoy. I just dont' think I am a real runner. But I have entered this stupid second half marathon and I am just dreading the fact I dont' feel trained for it.

Drrrrr. Anyway, headed back up to Bellingham today to race. Weather should be nice, so that is good. But I think we are going to come home tomorrow which kind of sucks just because it makes it such a short trip.

I suck at blogging...

You know, as much as I thought it was a novel concept to keep a journal, I was never much good at it. Why did I think I would be any better at an electronic version?

Anyway, life continues to be hectic. Turned 27 last Friday (as exciting as that is) it seems like every year I turn a year older, and that age just sounds so old. To me, 27 sounds way older than 26. Ug. But mom and I went up to Spokane for a bit of retail therapy, had some fun, and didn't spend too much money.

Life continues to kind of be weird on the job front. I should know more tomorrow as to whether or not I will be employed and if my new employer has tuition reimbursement. I got an A- out of my first class, so I am feeling pretty good and would like to continue. Its been a though question in my mind as to what I will do if this new company does not reimburse. I have wanted my masters for so long, but do i want it if it means a large student loan. I just don't know.

On a lighter note, it has become apparent I am a complete glutton for punishement and have entered another half marathon. I really was not planning on doing another one, but I have a co-worker who seems to think it would be really neat if we had this competition with each other and do the race together. I finally got tired of him bugging me about it and entered. So I have not a whole lot of time to get my self ready for this race. The only real reason why I am doing it is because I am interested in seeing what my time would be doing a race that is flat, with good weather, and not feeling like crap (all factors in the sub-par half marathon I ran last April). So we shall see, none the less it will be interesting.

I will try and do better about posting during this next couple of weeks I am off from school.