I am well aware of the fact that there is not one person on the face of the earth who doesn't have a "flaw" (or several, for that matter). I am very aware of my own flaws. I have many. Some of them bring me down when I think about them, and some of them drive me to be better.
I think one of my more significant "flaws" is my inability to find peace and acceptance in myself. It's part of the reason I initially started this blog. To try and figure out why I have this inner voice who frequently screams out "you're not good enough" or "you can do better, be better...".
Now, this inner voice has at times proven to be a good thing for me (in my opinion). It drove me to get a Master's degree, to find better and better paying jobs, to be the best wife I know how to be, and to lose 20 lb's and get involved in the fitness industry.
Now, I realize we're not talking about a HUGE weight loss, and it's not like I'm a body builder, but I can say that right before I got pregnant, I felt the best about myself (physically) as I probably have at any other time in my life. Where am I going with this?
I spend a great deal of time right now reading child rearing books - but really what I want to learn the most before this baby is born is how to find acceptance in myself, flaws and all. I don't want to hate the way I look right now (despite the facts that SO many people have told me how good I look) to be okay with the fact that despite all my best efforts, my butt is bigger, and legs now have more cellulite, and that when this baby is born, I'm not going to be able to immediatley fit right into the jeans I was wearing during Christmas.
I feel like if I can find acceptance and tolerance in my physical self, maybe I will find acceptance in my ability to be a mother, and the fact that I cannot be a perfect mother. Hell, right now I'm not really worried about being a perfect mother, I will settle for just being a good mother.
More importnatly, my hope is that if I can find an ability to be accepting of myself, maybe I will also find the ability to not be so selfish. I know I should be spending my time thinking about how I am going to fit my life around this baby...but instead I find myself thinking more about how quickly I can get back to teaching at the gym, or how I can find time to go out for a run if I'm breastfeeding.
At least I know my daughter won't care about the size of my ass.
2 comments:
Give yourself a break! Just know that when your beautiful baby gets here, your world will begin to change and she will be more at the center than you ever thought possible.
I know I gave you my sarcastic, run of the mill,FB response....but allow me to get a little sentimental. Not only have you worked hard, and continued to do so, to better yourself, but you are one of those people who has the privilege of helping others to better themselves. I include myself in that group of people that you have helped. And you are going to be a wonderful mommy that gets to better the life of a child. Working in the field I do, it's sad to say that not a lot of women take this responsibility seriously anymore. And while I don't have first hand experience, I do know from working with families, that if you don't take care of yourself, you'll never take care of your baby the best you can.....so never feel guilty for taking care of yourself, at the gym or otherwise.
Ok, this is more sickenly sweet than I care to be....so I'll just end it by saying, you are going to be great, and I can't wait to see you back at the gym....in my BodyJam class ;)
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