I'm getting sentimental in my old age

I watched the season premier of CSI tonight (thank you DVR). If you missed it, it was the follow up episode from last season when Warrick got shot (and obviously died, which we all knew was going to happen because real life Warrick - whose name escapes me at the moment- couldn't keep himself out of trouble. Or jail). So at the end of the episode they had the funeral for him and I sat on the couch and cried like I personally knew the character.

The last time I cried like that was the season finale of House when they killed off Amber.

I never used to cry at fiction. Not movies, not television, not books, nothing. But I am finding more and more all it takes is a cute commercial featuring fuzzy kittens and I get a little weepy (and I'm not even going to start on the chain-motivational-send this back to me to show me you love me- emails that always have cute photos of puppies and kittens and babies.....) But more and more I find I cry easier and easier.

I think its because I am getting older and death is just kind of falling all around me. Just a few weeks ago, a guy who worked just a few cubicles down from me died. 39 years old, a professional body builder, has a heart attack while running on the treadmill at the gym. It wasn't like I was best friends with the guy, but we talked and laughed frequently at work and I miss him lots just because he was an all around nice guy who I enjoyed talking to - mostly because we shared the gym/nutrition/weightlifting interest. But 39 years old and he was the picture of health. That is only a few years older than Sherman.

And I didn't go to his funeral. I sit here on the couch and cry at fake funerals, and yet I can't get myself to attend one for someone I know. I think its because I knew it was going to be incredibly sad, and from what people tell me, it was.

But on to something slightly happier. I took my first BodyCombat class last monday and I have to say, I really, really liked it. I don't know if I have a shot in the dark of being able to instruct it, but it was a good class. Unlike step or aerobics which I am way too uncoordinated to do, the moves in this program are not nearly as complicated. So I will take my next two classes next week and hopefully I can start to get some of this down.

And as far as my last post goes with the comment about it not feeling like fall...we are officially past that now. Its cold, I'm grumpy, and the DH has not agreed to turn on heat yet. Pooh.

Next Post: My weekend in Couer D' Alene. Lez Fest 2008.

Season's change...

Well, its finally October. The weather suggests it might still be August, but I'm not complaining.

Work issues seem to have calmed down a bit. Life is still hectic as my work load there has just tripled, but again, I'm not complaining. I am employed, which is more than several hundred people out there can say. So we are still in the midst of transition and nobody has any clue what the hell they should be doing, where they should be going, or what work is a priority to produce. We still have not really seen any new managers, but again, I am at work, and getting paid.

So lets see, other than that, I just got done with the group project from hell for my class. It wasn't really the project from hell, rather the group from hell. And through the frustration of having to deal with 3 people suffering from short timers I managed to make a really crappy (but true) comment to one of them. This is the one part about being in a "communication" program that I hate. No matter what someone does, or how crappy the work is that they produce, you gotta find a "nice" way to tell them.

I'm sorry. If I put 15 minutes of work into my part of a group project, I would hope that someone would tell me my work is crap. And yes, it will be rude, but I would deserve it.

THIS IS GRADUATE SCHOOL PEOPLE. PRODUCE GRADUATE SCHOOL LEVEL WORK. Its not rocket science, its just writing a paper. Sheesh.

So anyway, my profs have the luxury of being able to read most of our communication and were able to see where I tried to flog my team into production and failed miserably. They were kind and still gave me (us) a good grade for...well...crap work.

And so, on top of work changes, graduate school, and gym comments, I have decided to try my hand at another Les Mills program. They have a version of kickboxing that they want to bring to our gym and I have committed to doing the training for it. No matter that I have never even taken a kickboxing class, much less teach it. This should be interesting.

Employed!

So, it is official. I got my offer letter and come October 1st, I will still be employed! Life is good. I will be doing the same job, in the same location, but with a bit more responsibility, which is ok. Not everyone got the same deal I did, so I consider myself one of the lucky ones.

That box is checked. And while that is good, I have not been back to running. I don't think I am going to run any more until next Spring. I just don't want to do it right now.

Short post for today as I am typing this at work, and I guess I should go do some actual work. Of course now I need to find some other interesting factoid of my life to write about.

Distracted

Things with work are still in limbo. Information changes daily. At the beginning of the week I got a call that I was going to be picked up by the "new company" (which is good) but now today we got confirmation that the project I work for will be shut down in the next four months. Great. So as of right now I still don't have any idea what my employment looks like.

I think the stress of not knowing is finally starting to really get to me. I went out for a run tonight and once again, it just sucked. The weather is beyond gorgeous right now, and everytime I go out my body just protests. I mean, geez, tonight about half way through my (so-long) four miles I got a cramp. Not a side cramp, not a leg cramp, but a cramp in my back, right behind my left shoulder blade. I didn't even know you could cramp there.

I am just a little tired of everything right now. I feel very unsettled and its making me cranky. I am back to my usual state of feeling like I am fighting my weight and my trips into the gym have been less than stellar all around. I am back in class, but its hard to get focused when I am constantly asking whether or not this class is going to make any difference if I can't finish the program.

During my run I thought quite a bit about the blogs I follow (don't ask my why). I follow this one because I want to be like her.

http://amateurtrigirl.blogspot.com/

I just think if she can do it, so can I. I just wish I had the time to dedicate to the training the she apparently does.

I follow a lot of blogs that deal with weight loss. I like these because they seem to be incredibly insightful.

http://www.dietgirl.org/ and http://iamthatgirlnow.blogspot.com/ (on this second one, it looks as if she is no longer posting, but if you have a mintue, she has a ton of writing on her page and some of it is incredible).

I have several blogs of friends I follow just to keep up on their lives (much the point of this blog). But then I follow this one to just remind myself of how lucky I am.

http://sccsdecker.blogspot.com/

I have so much in my life. I have my health, I have a husband, I have friends. Which is why I don't understand why I let this job thing bug me so much. In the grand scheme of things, its just not that important.

I can say it. But deep down, for some reason, I don't believe it.

Taking time out for something positive

Ok, enough of the doom and gloom for one post.

I just had one of the most amazing weekends I have had in a long time. Amazing not because I did anything special just amazing because of who it was spent with.

I spent the vast majority of the three day weekend with two other couples. Its kind of interesting because of the three couples, you have one couple who's been dating for a few months, one couple who just got engaged, and then there's Sherman and I who've been married for 2+ years. Makes for some interesting dynamics, but always fun.

What made this amazing was that for the first time I felt like I had a social life in the Tri-Cities. We hung around people who were close to our age, childless, and wanted to go out and have a good time. I have missed this feeling as the only people I really get this with are my two best friends who live far away in opposite directions. So anyway, fun times.

And now I can go back to gloom. I am once again reminded about how much I hate applying for new jobs. Ug.

Just when I think I have it all figured out

I think I am going to lose my job. I think in spite of all the reassurances I get from my co-workers that I am indeed going to be unemployed in the near future. I am not happy. I've never done the unemployment thing, don't really want to either.

I am just so mad because I finally get things set. I am finally in a job that pays me what I think I am worth, and I finally get back to school to get the masters I have been seeking for the past 5 years, and now this. They say everything happens for a reason, and I believe that to be true, but in the mean time this is not good.

I think in the long run I can deal with having to find another job. What is more hard for me to think about though is quitting school. Considering I just started and the fact that I really like this program, quitting just seems really unfair. Yes, I know I could continue and incur the ~$25,000 debt, but that just doesn't seem very smart.

The thing that I think I will have the hardest part dealing with is not taking it personally. I am a good worker, I have skills and I know how to use them. Its not my fault the government doesn't want to fund my job. But its hard not to feel a bit like a failure when your waiting for your unemployment check.

What do my thoughts compel or provoke me to do?

So I have been sitting here for the last hour thumbing through various blogs on this site because I am doing public tours today and the time I have between groups is not enough time to actually be productive with work, so I sit read blogs.

I am amazed at how many blogs are essentially glorified myspace pages. I guess there is no manual that says a blog should be like an online diary, but for the life of me, I can't find any blogs where people have written much...about anything. Lots of blogs about families, A TON of blogs in lanuages I can't read, and a lot of business blogs (which I am enjoying the ones for photographers).

So after all that, i am inclined to want to post a photo or two here. I feel like its needed. But again, isn't that why I have a myspace page?

Anyway, no word on the work front yet. I don't expect to hear anything for another couple of weeks, which is hugely annoying, but what is one to do. Sherman has not heard anything on his work either. And I am still on a short break from school, only another week, so I am trying to enjoy it while it lasts.

So, what fills my mind lately is that fact that another summer is winding down, and I look back and ask myself what I have to show for it. And all I can say is, NOT MUCH! I feel like I am wasting these precious days. I wish I was traveling more, doing more fun things with Sherman, spending more time in my kayak or bike, but instead I feel like I spend all my time inside working or at the gym teaching. I told myself I really was going to do something different this summer, not teach at the gym, and spend more time outside enjoying my toys. I keep saying I am going to take the kayak someplace fun, and yet never seem to venture off the Columbia.

This is just one of the many frustrations I have going on right now, but the only one i feel safe to share here. The other ones I am trying to deal with on an internal basis as so not spread my pissy-ness about the world.

But yet I have to look around me, at all the good things going on in my life, and remind myself that its just not that bad.