Just when I think I have it all figured out

I think I am going to lose my job. I think in spite of all the reassurances I get from my co-workers that I am indeed going to be unemployed in the near future. I am not happy. I've never done the unemployment thing, don't really want to either.

I am just so mad because I finally get things set. I am finally in a job that pays me what I think I am worth, and I finally get back to school to get the masters I have been seeking for the past 5 years, and now this. They say everything happens for a reason, and I believe that to be true, but in the mean time this is not good.

I think in the long run I can deal with having to find another job. What is more hard for me to think about though is quitting school. Considering I just started and the fact that I really like this program, quitting just seems really unfair. Yes, I know I could continue and incur the ~$25,000 debt, but that just doesn't seem very smart.

The thing that I think I will have the hardest part dealing with is not taking it personally. I am a good worker, I have skills and I know how to use them. Its not my fault the government doesn't want to fund my job. But its hard not to feel a bit like a failure when your waiting for your unemployment check.

What do my thoughts compel or provoke me to do?

So I have been sitting here for the last hour thumbing through various blogs on this site because I am doing public tours today and the time I have between groups is not enough time to actually be productive with work, so I sit read blogs.

I am amazed at how many blogs are essentially glorified myspace pages. I guess there is no manual that says a blog should be like an online diary, but for the life of me, I can't find any blogs where people have written much...about anything. Lots of blogs about families, A TON of blogs in lanuages I can't read, and a lot of business blogs (which I am enjoying the ones for photographers).

So after all that, i am inclined to want to post a photo or two here. I feel like its needed. But again, isn't that why I have a myspace page?

Anyway, no word on the work front yet. I don't expect to hear anything for another couple of weeks, which is hugely annoying, but what is one to do. Sherman has not heard anything on his work either. And I am still on a short break from school, only another week, so I am trying to enjoy it while it lasts.

So, what fills my mind lately is that fact that another summer is winding down, and I look back and ask myself what I have to show for it. And all I can say is, NOT MUCH! I feel like I am wasting these precious days. I wish I was traveling more, doing more fun things with Sherman, spending more time in my kayak or bike, but instead I feel like I spend all my time inside working or at the gym teaching. I told myself I really was going to do something different this summer, not teach at the gym, and spend more time outside enjoying my toys. I keep saying I am going to take the kayak someplace fun, and yet never seem to venture off the Columbia.

This is just one of the many frustrations I have going on right now, but the only one i feel safe to share here. The other ones I am trying to deal with on an internal basis as so not spread my pissy-ness about the world.

But yet I have to look around me, at all the good things going on in my life, and remind myself that its just not that bad.

I hate running

I don't know why I think I can be a runner. It took everything I had to flog myself out of bed this morning (at 5:00 am) to get a run in before we leave for Bellingham today. Real runners should love getting up at this time of the morning to watch the sunrise while they do something they enjoy. I just dont' think I am a real runner. But I have entered this stupid second half marathon and I am just dreading the fact I dont' feel trained for it.

Drrrrr. Anyway, headed back up to Bellingham today to race. Weather should be nice, so that is good. But I think we are going to come home tomorrow which kind of sucks just because it makes it such a short trip.

I suck at blogging...

You know, as much as I thought it was a novel concept to keep a journal, I was never much good at it. Why did I think I would be any better at an electronic version?

Anyway, life continues to be hectic. Turned 27 last Friday (as exciting as that is) it seems like every year I turn a year older, and that age just sounds so old. To me, 27 sounds way older than 26. Ug. But mom and I went up to Spokane for a bit of retail therapy, had some fun, and didn't spend too much money.

Life continues to kind of be weird on the job front. I should know more tomorrow as to whether or not I will be employed and if my new employer has tuition reimbursement. I got an A- out of my first class, so I am feeling pretty good and would like to continue. Its been a though question in my mind as to what I will do if this new company does not reimburse. I have wanted my masters for so long, but do i want it if it means a large student loan. I just don't know.

On a lighter note, it has become apparent I am a complete glutton for punishement and have entered another half marathon. I really was not planning on doing another one, but I have a co-worker who seems to think it would be really neat if we had this competition with each other and do the race together. I finally got tired of him bugging me about it and entered. So I have not a whole lot of time to get my self ready for this race. The only real reason why I am doing it is because I am interested in seeing what my time would be doing a race that is flat, with good weather, and not feeling like crap (all factors in the sub-par half marathon I ran last April). So we shall see, none the less it will be interesting.

I will try and do better about posting during this next couple of weeks I am off from school.

The world has lost a kind soul

While signing on to read email, I caught the headline that Randy Pausch died this morning. I am truly saddened by this. I know I am just one of millions when I say I have been truly touched by his words, but this man really did leave a mark before he died.

One of my best friends turned me onto his "last lecture" and somedays I feel like I should watch it again just for the reminder of what life is really about. Sometimes I get so wrapped up in what is going to happen with my job, or with school, or on all the things that aren't going right with my life, I lose focus of what is.

I have a great husband and a good job. I have a supportive family and good health. I dont' have pancreatic cancer. The last one was more than Randy could say, but he never dwelled on it. One of the things he did dwell on was deciding if you are going to be a Tigger or an Eyore. I think I have spent too much time not being a Tigger.

I think in the end what made Randy so popular was the fact he was a normal guy. Granted the guy did some brillant things and was a renown professor, but I think to most, he was a normal guy with a great message. The whole point behind his message was nothing to earth shattering, but Randy was the kind of guy you could listen to, and because he was such a great story teller (as opposed to lecturer) you were instantly wrapped up in his life.

So though I never personally new the guy, I can say that today is a sad day because he is gone.

Holy crap life got busy

But really, what did I expect?

So you all probably figured out that school started - noted by the fact I havent posted anything in a month. Sorry about that. But I am on the downhill run of my first class so hopefully I can be better about posting.

School aside, life has been a little stressful for me. DOE recently announced the awarding of the contracts where I work. To keep it simple, the company I work for did not win the contract I work for. So within the next 60 days one of three things will happen...

1. I will go to work for a different company.
2. I will go to work for a different contract.
3. I become unemployed.

Obviously we are not voting for number 3. On top of that the DH's work just merged with another company and today when we picked up 3 days worth of mail, there was a rather thick packet from his current employer.

"What the heck is that hon?"
"That is my walking papers".
"WHAT!!!!!????"
"Ya, they are firing all of us and making us reapply for our jobs".

Ok, yes I realize that this is just a formality and he will most likely get his job back, but this has completly freaked me out. So technically, there is a chance (a very small chance, but a chance nonetheless) that within the next 60 days, we may both be unemployed. And that makes me very uneasy. But for the sake of my sanity and sleeping patters, I am not going to dwell on it.

I just got home from 4 days in Bellingham participating in the blessed Clay Cup event. This is Christmas to my inlaws and a bit of a marathon event for me. A marathon event because it encompasses lots of racing, late nights (with lots of beer) and A TON of people of whom I would not normally associate with. Don't get me wrong, I really like a lot of the people who are regulars to this track, but since this is a special event, it attracts some people of different backgrounds from all over this state as well as others near by. These are the type of people who will be yelling the F word all the way across the track campground at like 5 in the morning. These are the type of people I like to label as "mouth breathers". But I survived, and though the DH didn't have a very good weekend (car broke, car wrecked, car broke...you get the point) it was nice to be back (as I have not attended this event for the last 3 years).

Probably the best part of the weekend was that mom housesat for us and cleaned. My mother has a level of cleanliness that can only be described using words such as "sterile" and "hospital-like", but I love it when she cleans for me. So it was nice to come home to a clean abode.

And if you are keeping score, checked in with Hobbs, the orange cat who now belongs to my brother-in-law and his family, and he could not be happier. They love him and he loves being there. So I guess things really do happen for a reason, and I am glad he is happy.

Of course, not as happy as Thule is that he is gone.

Father Time

Last weekend was decent. Had a good ride in Seattle with one of my best friends. Well, actually after kind of a scattered start to the morning (which included the friend hitting another car on the way into the park, and me forgetting my helmet which made us have to go get another one)we got started on one of the hardest rides I have ever done.

So on the way home, since Sunday was Father's Day, I decided to spend the day with the folks. Dad and I went out to play nine holes. While it was nice, it was a further reminder of why I have such a hard time spending time with my parents. My Dad will be 75 in December and there are times he shows his age. I guess no one wants to think about their parents getting old, and it seems like I am thinking about it more and more. I am thankful that he is healthy, but it makes me sad when I see he can't do some of the stuff he loves because he just doesn't have the movement. Its even worse when he starts talking about things and events he won't live long enough to see.

I feel bad my two sisters are not around more to share in this time of Dad's life. I wish they were, if maybe only because it would give me someone else to bounce feelings off of.

And to top things off, I have a gigantic zit on my forhead that I think just keeps getting bigger. Sheesh.