A blog for my friend Teresa...

who reminds me, if you have a blog, you must post. I have not been good with this and I must apologize.

So I am in Arizona. I am visiting my sister. Now, a bit of background on my sister - she is 20 years my senior and has lived through a hell of a lot more shit than I will ever imagine living through in my life. She is a trooper - she is a survivor - she is the only extended family I really keep in close contact with.

After a good dinner and a couple stout bottles of wine, we get talking about family. Good talks - but it brings me around to my feelings of guilt for not keeping in contact with the people I care about the most. Its so easy once you get married to get wrapped up in the immediate life that is you and your husband, and lose sight of all the people who have influenced, and shaped you to be that person that boy wanted to marry. And these are people who care, and love you.

I have good friends. I tend to focus on the fact I have no good friends at home, but lose sight of the fact that I have so many good people in my life who want to see me, and have fun with me, and I don't see them because I don't make the effort. I have a good friend in Seattle who I have not seen since December. Its MAY - she only lives 3 hours away - and I havent seen her in 5 months! That is shitty. What is more shitty is that I have a great friend in Idaho - only 2.5 hours away who I have not seen since.....well shit, since last summer. She has lived in her own apartment in Idaho for years now, and I have yet to go see her apartment. Why? Becuase I have become so engulfed in my current life that I have lost focus and sight of the other people I care so deeply about.

Hell, my parents live only 80 miles away, and if I see them once a month, its been a good month.

God it sucks growning up. It sucks having to be responsible, and pay bills, and do the constant shit around the house that always needs to be done. But I wish I had a more pragmatic way of looking at life and realizing that all that crap is trivial. What is more important is keeping in touch with my friends and family, who when I hang out with them so quickly remind me of why I love them so much.

Teresa, I miss you. Katie, I miss you. You are the two people who no matter what, brighten my world. But in that world are jobs, families, and husbands/boyfriends - which if you look at the bigger picture, are the things that are supposed to encompass our lives. The bigger picture shows we are supposed to seek out a mate, procreate, grow families. That bigger pictures often does not include close friends - which sucks. For me, that bigger picture also does not include a sister, whom I so dealy love, but lives too far away to play a significant role in my life. If times are good, I see her once a year, in which we spend a week having the time of our lives, which afterwards I cry as I get on a plane to go home, and continue my life, as I know it, without her. Its ok in the sense that I know being an only child, but when I get to experience having a sister, its like getting a new best friend, all over again.

But I have 2 best friends, who live close enough that I should be able to have good relationships with them. But again, life gets in the way and we find ourselves months in between visits. But once I get to see either of these two girls, its like my soul is revived and I have a new lease on life. Good times, good times.

I guess the bottom line here is that I have good things. Lots of good things and good people in my life and if I don't start making an effort to make those people a more prominanat figure in my life, they will be gone, and that will make me sad. I don't make life long friends everyday. I have live in Tri-Cities over 4 years and are just now starting to make that one good friend. I need to not take for granted the people who are significant in my life. The people who love and accept me for me. Those people are hard to find.

Its a bith-day..

Today was the DH's 34th birthday. Geez 34...for some reason that just sounds so old to me. And I know I am yet one year closer to having him whine louder about having kids. I keep telling him he doesn't have a biological clock, and he still doesn't believe me.

The kid thing is an interesting topic in our house. I shouldn't say interesting, I should say frustrating. And not so much with anything he says to me, but how I feel about it. This is one of the topics that keeps me up at night (for the record, I have a long, long, long standing relationship with insomnia. It started my freshman year of college with a roommate who, because of an inordinate amount of metal in her tongue, snored possibly worse than anyone I have heard, and it has been something I have battled off and on ever since). But anyway, the kid thing keeps me up at night. I don't want them. I won't say I don't want them ever, but I don't want them now, or anywhere in the near future. I know he does not feel the same. The big unanswered question is low long I can hold him off. I just have so much I want to do and see right now and I have no, and I mean no, motherly instincts.

I just found a graduate program I want to enter. Really want to enter. It would be upwards of a three year program and I know I can't hold him off that long. Can I be a mom, hold a job, and go to school? This is why I don't sleep at night.

The bottom line all comes back around to my reason for this blog in the first place. I think one of the main reasons why I don't want to have kids is because I see kids as the end to being able to progress myself. If I have kids then that is the end of me having a better body, a better mind, a better life. Thats a horrible way of looking at it, I know. But thats the weird messed up, selfish side of me.

But at the end of the day it is still just his birthday. I hope it was a fun day for him, as it was kind of a frustrating day for us. There is still time left for this day to end well for both of us, we shall see if this indeed happens.

coming down from a complete high...

I have had trouble starting this post because I really want to post a picture from my race on Sunday. Problem is that I can't find the charger for my camera battery and its driving me nuts. I am subject to ordering a replacement on EBAY (ok, seriously Sony, how can you charge over $100 for a charger???)

But on to bigger and better things. The big news is of course my completion of my first half marathon on Sunday. While I feel great about this feat, I am served the reminder that I am indeed not a runner. I need to stop trying to convince myself otherwise. But the race was fun and rainy. I have actually been trying to train for this for quite a few months. Building miles and doing tempo runs - oh yes, I can talk like real runner.

But when it comes down to crunch time, I decide to go ahead and get an obnoxious cold - one that today, over two weeks later, is still with me. So, needless to say my finishing time (2:12) was nothing special, but hey, its a PR!

So - from this comes my internal question as to why I feel the need to do stuff like this. I don't know that I really like running, I don't hate it, but I think I am more hooked on this feeling of completing something. Like if I can run 13.1 miles then I am something special. I'm not - really anyone can go out an run 13.1 miles - its really not that far.

But what next? Will I feel like I am something special if I can complete 26.2 miles? Am I capable of running a marathon? I didn't think i was capable of a half marathon, I didn't think I was capable of a century. But again - why do I need to continually need to see how far I can push myself?

So I took a year (or so) off....

Committment has never been one of my strong suits. Its never been a weak suit either, but its been a suit of sorts none the less.

When I started this over a year ago (started, with yes, one post) my intent was to bury my despression in an blog. This blog was not going to be directly linked to me, but rather used as an outlet for my emotions and need to write.

And now, more than a year later, I find I still want to blog, but for different reasons. I want to identify myself because I want to be accountable. Accountable if I don't write, and accountable for what I write. Today I write for different reasons, and for a new purpose.

I believe I have the potential to become something great. I don't know what that great is, but I hope it will be something. If nothing else, this blog will be a project I can work on when all the authors of my favorite blogs decide to quit writing.

So, where to start? I think I will start with redefining where this blog is going to go. This is an overview of my life - my constant struggle with my weight, my struggles in my somewhat still new marriage, my struggles in a new job, and my struggles in accomplishing my greatness.

If I do commit, this blog may turn into an update place for our live events - which may (or may not) include a baby in the future. The status of that depends on who you are talking to - me or my spouse. But then again, this is my blog, so maybe we don't need to hear about the spouses opinion.