Its a bith-day..

Today was the DH's 34th birthday. Geez 34...for some reason that just sounds so old to me. And I know I am yet one year closer to having him whine louder about having kids. I keep telling him he doesn't have a biological clock, and he still doesn't believe me.

The kid thing is an interesting topic in our house. I shouldn't say interesting, I should say frustrating. And not so much with anything he says to me, but how I feel about it. This is one of the topics that keeps me up at night (for the record, I have a long, long, long standing relationship with insomnia. It started my freshman year of college with a roommate who, because of an inordinate amount of metal in her tongue, snored possibly worse than anyone I have heard, and it has been something I have battled off and on ever since). But anyway, the kid thing keeps me up at night. I don't want them. I won't say I don't want them ever, but I don't want them now, or anywhere in the near future. I know he does not feel the same. The big unanswered question is low long I can hold him off. I just have so much I want to do and see right now and I have no, and I mean no, motherly instincts.

I just found a graduate program I want to enter. Really want to enter. It would be upwards of a three year program and I know I can't hold him off that long. Can I be a mom, hold a job, and go to school? This is why I don't sleep at night.

The bottom line all comes back around to my reason for this blog in the first place. I think one of the main reasons why I don't want to have kids is because I see kids as the end to being able to progress myself. If I have kids then that is the end of me having a better body, a better mind, a better life. Thats a horrible way of looking at it, I know. But thats the weird messed up, selfish side of me.

But at the end of the day it is still just his birthday. I hope it was a fun day for him, as it was kind of a frustrating day for us. There is still time left for this day to end well for both of us, we shall see if this indeed happens.