Look! A post!

Okay, so very honestly, I wondered if I was ever going to get a chance to update my blog. And now that I hear my kid stirring, I wonder if this update will get published.

So a lot has changed since my last post. Obviously, I gave birth, and said "goodbye" to my life as it was. Gerber was right...having a baby changes everything.

I can't say it's all been puppy dogs and rainbows. The actual birth was cake, but life after has been tough. Yes, it gets a little easier every day as she gets older, and I figure out how she works. I have to admit, I was not at all prepared for how much work babies are, or how much my life would change.

To a certain degree, I still don't see myself as a mom. I think its because growing up an only child I have been able to just make my life all about me. It's been hard adjusting to the fact that it's no longer about me. I'm still fighting that to a certain degree, but I'm okay making my life about her as well. But she is fun - and cute. I had a hard time bonding at first, but we get closer every day. I'm pretty sure that is a good thing.

Gotta go. Regan calls.

coming along...

Well...we're coming up on 35 weeks. I was reading online today that our girl is over 5 lbs already which was kind of the only highlight to my other dismal day. Every day I find more acceptance in this coming life change and more excitement at the thought of being done with being pregnant and getting to meet the baby.

Still...things just seem so strange. Strange to think of all the things that have been done for me by my parents are now my responsibility to do for my daughter. Strange to think that forever more I am responsibile for another human being. Motherhood is not a concept that has ever been real "natural" for me - but it's coming. Another 5 weeks or so to get even closer to those feelings of acceptance and excitement.

On a lighter note - I am currently watching a National Geographic special on the evolution of the dog...and it is rather fascinating! If you get a chance to catch it, I highly recommend. Okay...it's late - gotta hit the sack.

Acceptance

I am well aware of the fact that there is not one person on the face of the earth who doesn't have a "flaw" (or several, for that matter). I am very aware of my own flaws. I have many. Some of them bring me down when I think about them, and some of them drive me to be better.

I think one of my more significant "flaws" is my inability to find peace and acceptance in myself. It's part of the reason I initially started this blog. To try and figure out why I have this inner voice who frequently screams out "you're not good enough" or "you can do better, be better...".

Now, this inner voice has at times proven to be a good thing for me (in my opinion). It drove me to get a Master's degree, to find better and better paying jobs, to be the best wife I know how to be, and to lose 20 lb's and get involved in the fitness industry.

Now, I realize we're not talking about a HUGE weight loss, and it's not like I'm a body builder, but I can say that right before I got pregnant, I felt the best about myself (physically) as I probably have at any other time in my life. Where am I going with this?

I spend a great deal of time right now reading child rearing books - but really what I want to learn the most before this baby is born is how to find acceptance in myself, flaws and all. I don't want to hate the way I look right now (despite the facts that SO many people have told me how good I look) to be okay with the fact that despite all my best efforts, my butt is bigger, and legs now have more cellulite, and that when this baby is born, I'm not going to be able to immediatley fit right into the jeans I was wearing during Christmas.

I feel like if I can find acceptance and tolerance in my physical self, maybe I will find acceptance in my ability to be a mother, and the fact that I cannot be a perfect mother. Hell, right now I'm not really worried about being a perfect mother, I will settle for just being a good mother.

More importnatly, my hope is that if I can find an ability to be accepting of myself, maybe I will also find the ability to not be so selfish. I know I should be spending my time thinking about how I am going to fit my life around this baby...but instead I find myself thinking more about how quickly I can get back to teaching at the gym, or how I can find time to go out for a run if I'm breastfeeding.

At least I know my daughter won't care about the size of my ass.

"Pool Etiquette"

So I had an interesting experience tonight. Lately I have been swimming laps at a local gym (not mine) because swimming laps is about one of the last exercise-y things I can do and NOT feel pregnant. My body appreciates the non-weight bearing movement as well.

So the pool I went to had 2 lanes roped off for lap swimmers and the rest was open for family swim and lessons. Well, one lane had a guy swimming laps who looked to be fairly knowledgeable and able and the other lady had an older, bigger lady, who looked to be having more of a "refreshing dip" than a workout. I figured I would join the lady because I would rather dodge someone than have someone dodging me.

I entered the pool right as she was making her turn, and waited for her to turn at the end of the lane before I started my warm-up lap. Customary approach - or so I thought.

Now..I'm no Michael Phelps...but I can do a decent crawl stroke, stay in my half of the lane and pretty much hold my own in a pool (thank you 1 year of swim team and 3 years of lifeguarding). Well, on my way down the lane, I was doing breast stroke and the other lady was doing the crawl (so keep in mind we were coming at each other face first - she wasn't doing backstroke) and I pass her right about half way and out of no where she pops up out of the water and yells at me "Jesus!...Don't you know you are supposed to ask if you can share a lane?"

Um...excuse me?

I have to say I was a little shocked. I stopped, looked at her and replied "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to startle you. I thought you saw me get into the lane. My apologies".

So I make the turn at the end of the lane and as I'm approaching the end I started at, I see her get out of the water, collect her kick board, and shoot me a nasty glare (still doing head up breast stroke at this point) and start to walk off.

I apologized again...and while I felt bad for startling her, I was grateful to no longer have to be sharing the lane with someone who obviously wasn't there to get her heart rate up.

So she goes into the locker room and comes back out a couple minutes later. She's changed her swim cap from a lavendar latex flavor to a blue flower print spandex one (apparently you can't share a lane with someone else unless you are wearing the proper type of swim cap). So I'm still doing my laps, minding my business, and she gets back in the pool, in my lane, and proceeds to start doing back stroke.

And she didn't ask my permission to share my lane. I thought we just went through this.

So we are able to ambically share a lane for about 10 minutes, both of us going down and back (as opposed to a circle) and then she got out for good. WHATEVER!

So my question is - are you really supposed to ask "permission" to share a lane at a gyms pool? I mean, I'll say I was wrong if I was wrong, but I don't know. What if she hadn't stop to acknowledge my presence? Do I just wait until she does..or do I stop her and ask? Or what if she had told me "No."?

Regardless...I might have been rude by not asking permission to share "her" lane..but come one..was it really so bad you had to yell at me in the middle of the pool? I mean, I know I'm pregnant and all, but I'm pretty sure I still fit pretty easily in half the lane...and as long as we both can swim in a straight line we should be able to both use the lane and get along. Maybe that was her problem - maybe she couldn't swim in a straight line.

My quest to become a better blogger

I was looking back on my blog history for this year to find that I have posted a whopping 1 blog a month. Pretty sad. Now that I am done with school, I vow to become a better blogger. Of course, it doesn't hurt that I have more interesting stuff to write about as well.

June flew by. During that month I started my third trimester, and celebrated 4 years of marriage. I'm not sure which one brought me more happiness. It's hard to believe we've been married 4 years. Doesn't seem like it's been that long. I guess that is a good thing. I often wonder how a baby will change our marriage. I recently finished a book titled "After the Baby" all about how the introduction of a child completley changes some marriages. The intent of the book was not to scare people off from having children, but it more of an educational book about what to expect. After reading this book, I am even more appreciative that Sherman and I are a little older entering parenthood. I think that being a little older, we are better equipped to handle the stress about to head our way. Honestly, I'm not worried much about the first 4 months. I think we will do well while I am at home. I am worried more about what it will be like once I go back to work. The one place where Sherman and I have never done real well is with total dependence on each other to make something work. Now, that probably sounds weird, but both him and I are very independent people who are capable of handling most anything on our own. It's not to say we don't totally enjoy being married...but it took us almost 2 years of marriage to establish a "joint" checking account. I'm sure some of you will think that is absolutley nuts...but it's worked for us.

So now we are going to be forced to lean on each other, and figure out how to be a cohesive team. There will need to be sacrifice from both of us, and yet also time to learn and grow.

I promise to try and be a better posted about how we are learning and growing. Oh ya, and also on how the baby is doing. :)

hello third trimester!

And here you are in full force!

Well, I most certaintly see what people mean by the second trimester being the "honeymoon" phase. I think I read somewhere that in the second, you are past being sick (I wasn't) but not so big you can't do stuff (true) so that's when people enjoy being preggo the most. I can see that. Just recently I have started to feel what I call the more "grinding" and "annoying" aspects of having this large mass between my rib cage and my hips. Breaths are harder to take (I can no longer eat dinner on our couch - too slouched over and I can't eat or breathe) and shoes are becoming harder to tie. I'm not one who is real used to not being able to do things, so being limited in any respect is somewhat frustrating to me.

But I do continue to go to the gym and work out - which in the midst of the insanity that is the rest of my life, is my one welcomed daily break. Even after determining tonight that I might be done with spin (again, it's that whole breathing thing) I know that I can still go and lift some weights, and do the elliptical and that will keep me happy and sane.

The nursery is ready to go - still need to pick up a lot of "basics", but that will come in time. Other than that, not a whole lot of anything exciting to report. We have not picked out a name yet...and honestly, when we do, I don't know that we will divulge (much to the dismay of the rest of our family). Hey...gotta keep some surprises, right?

my novel thought for the weekend

I think I might have mentioned before that it seemes like when you are preggo with your first, you magically somehow acquire this sign that says "Please, tell me your opinion or experience about _______ ". Okay, to be fair, some people have had some great things to say. Others I feel like asking how they ever came to have kids in the first place.

One of the things I hear often is how after you have a baby, you become the being of constant "busy-ness". I updated my Facebook post to mention how I was having a weird Saturday in which I was kinda bored. As I was writing it, I thought, "I'm going to have a whole bunch of people respond with ..."enjoy it, because it won't last". And sure enough - guess what responses I got?

I got it. Really, I do. I understand that babies are A LOT of work. And you may think "she doesn't have a clue because she's never had one".

So here's my novel thought for the weekend. Unlike most of the people who seem to think I am going to slam into this wall of God only knows what when the baby is born, I am going to give myself the benefit of the doubt. I think I am more prepared for this kid than people give me credit for. And here is why.

Since moving to Tri-Cities, my life has never, never, revolved around working an 8 hour day, and coming home to veg on the couch. For nearly the entire six years I have lived here, I have worked at least two, and sometimes three jobs. In six years, I have worked to "better" myself through my work, my marriage, and my other relationships, and I think I have worked damn hard. For the last 2 years I have dealt with the Hanford commute from hell (becaused it bettered my work and my financial situation), obtained a Masters degree online (because it bettered me), and kept up teaching 2-3 classes at the week at the gym (because it bettered me, and it betters a whole lot of other people). I'm not naturally lazy - I live to work, and work hard. Working hard is not something I feel I have to work at (anymore). It comes naturally.

In the last six years I lost 20 lbs (and kept it off), taught myself how to kayak, became an avid cyclist, completed a half marathon, a couple triathlons - and got Sherman to go back to the gym.

Want to talk about sleep depervation? Okay, lets. Anyone who knows me know I have struggled with my sleep since my freshman year of college. I won't go so far as to say I'm an insomniac, but I am no stranger to the 3 or 4 hour sleep regimin.

I don't have all the answers. But when I think about the things that scare me about having a baby, really, it's not the amount of work involved. I'm conditioned for that. Come September I expect to work just as hard as I do now - just at different things. What scares me is trying to figure out how to balance. How to balance nuturing a new life, while still nuturing my own life, while still nuturing my husbands. How to balance not being able to be selfish with my time because this new little one will demand a lot of it. I know I want to give the best life possible for my child, and I will because that is what I am setting out to do. There will be experiments along the way to find out what works best for the both of us (well, all three of us) but for the remainder of my pregnancy, I resolve to be as confident about having this baby, as I have been with so many other things. I resolve to not let other peoples "warnings" and "cautions" fill my head with fears that September will bring something other than a new, exciting experience, and challenge. Bring on the work - I really do think I am ready for it.

From my experience over these last 6 years, I have faced many challenges, and through them all, I have finished, and for the most part, to my standards, been successful. It hasn't always been pretty or graceful, and I sure as hell won't say there isn't room for improvement along the way, but so far, it's all been good. And I have to believe that having this baby will be no different.

Coming right along...

Well, looking at my calendar, yesterday marked my 17th week mark. All in all, things are not bad. So far I have no stretch marks, I've only gained about 7 pounds, and can still fit into most of my clothes. I can't say it's been all enjoyable, but I guess it could be a whole heck of a lot worse.

I am learning a lot though. Like for one, when you get pregnant..you suddenly lose your identity and just kind of become a walking incubator. Now, this isn't everyone, but it's amazing the amount of people that will simply open up conversation with "how's the baby?" to which I give some reply along the lines of "5 ounces and hungry". I know they mean well, but it's just something I've learned.

Now that I am essentially done with school (just have edits on the thesis left to do) I'm hoping I can take some time to I guess "bond" with the being inside of me. Time to get as giddy about being pregnant as so many of my friends and family are about me being preggo. I guess it stems from body issues I have always had about myself, but getting bigger is just not something I'm embracing. I'm dealing with it, but I'm not embracing it. I don't feel warmth and excitement when people comment about my cute "bump" and I don't feel the need to photograph it...it's there..it's serving a purpose...and I anxiously await the time when I'm not sharing my body...it's back to being mine...to do with what I please. I realize that is an incredibly selfish thing to say for a first time expectant mother...but that's kind of how I feel right now. It's not that I'm not happy to be having a baby...but I'm just learning how to be accepting of the process of making one, and forgiving of my shortcomings, external and internal, while getting there.

Like I said, I'm learning.

A time to blog

It's time I get off my lazy duff and update this blog. A lot has happened since I last blogged, and it's time I turn this blog from what was an avenue for me to perform some self reflection and more of, well, "Fallon's Pregnancy Blog". Not that that won't include some self reflection...but it's got to be more interesting that what I have been writing about.

So yes, the news is out - we're pregnant, expecting in September. It's been an interesting ride so far. Not without bumps along the way, but all in all, I can't complain. The sacrifices for the child have already started. Material sacrifices such as the sale of my kayak (a testament to the realization that I have to pare down my hobbies), and recreation sacrificies in the form of taking leave from teaching at the gym. Anyone who knows me even remotley well knows my love and passion for teaching at the gym. Well, after an especially nasty week of trying to teach through feeling like crap, I just decided I needed one less stressor in my life. I love the gym, but I love the gym when I feel good. And honestly, I have had two years of working at the gym, working at Hanford, and going to school, and I am just ready to have a selfish, commitment less summer. So far, it's been the best decision I have made. I love going to class and not having to think about anyone else but myself. I know that soon those good feelings will wane, and I will probably want to be back teaching again, but right now, I'm loving it.

Part of that commitment less summer is not only getting rid of the gym, but also getting rid of school. As of the end of April, I will have also accomplished that goal. I got my research done, and am in the deep throws of writing this thesis. So far, it's going well, and I have a pretty clear picture of what I need to do to get it finished. So I have probably another 15-20 hours of dedicated work, and I should be done. Graduation announcements have arrived, and I will be picking up my academic attire for graduation soon!

So, there is the quick synopsis of my life currently. In the coming months I am sure I will come here to share my thoughts on pregnancy, my fears of giving birth, my questions about being a parent....so on and so forth. Hope to see some of you along the way! :)

Wow...I can't believe it's almost March!

This year has flown by. And right now, I'm okay with that. The last few months I have been caught up in significatn thesis writing, which takes up a bit of the time I don't spend working, traveling to and from work, or at the gym. I am so excited to be done with this little project and this chapter in my life. Right now I am struggling a big through with trying to determine if I am actually going to be able to pull off the actual research component I had planned. I should have known better than to think I could pull off a research activity at my work without running into approval wall after approval wall. I think in the end I will be okay...but the next couple weeks will prove to be interesting.

In the months to come, this blog will take on a new look, and new purpose, a new role. I will be a better poster, and will hopefully write things people find interesting to read about. More details on that later....

Winding back up...

My friends have been giving me grief about having a blog and never writing on it. Yes - you all are right. But the sad fact of the matter is, sometimes I just get tired of sitting at a computer. But since life is about to get crazy again, I figure I ought to get a post in before I no longer have the time to.

Today is really kind of my last day of freedom before starting my thesis next week. I have really enjoyed not having school for the last 3 weeks or so, but the whole time I have had this thesis looming over my head like the dark cloud that it is. I am really ready to be done. I guess I wouldn't fear this thing so much if I felt like I had a good direction going into it. As it is, I get to somehow confine myself to my house all day tomorrow to do research in an attempt to have a proposal ready before class starts.

Okay - I have the next 4 months to whine about this thesis. Enough of that for now.

Christmas was wonderful this year. The whole family had a very nice time together and as always, the time was so great and so short. New Year's has come - and I suppose the only resolution I can think of is resolving to NOT add anything more to my plate. We shall see how that works out.

All in all, 2009 was a great year. I am probably the healthiest I have every been, even considering my school loan, the most financially secure I have ever been, my marriage is good, my parents are healthy, and I really couldn't ask for more. In 2010 I want to see my friends more, bike more, and save more money. School prevented me from doing most of that, but I know that is a venture that will eventually pay off (keyword here being "eventually").

Well, I should go now and take care of some of the 20,000 things sitting on my "to do" list. If you don't see another post for a while - be paitent. I promise to keep up this blog, even if it's just every so often.

Thank you all for your love and support throughout the years. It means a lot. :)